By On Mekahel Cederberg & David Mekahel Cederberg
Where is the passion? How are we supposed to keep the spark alive? Both are questions that are thought about infinitely more than they are spoken out loud to our partner or others. This is a problem in and of itself as it’s impossible to nurture something if we aren’t taught that it needs nurturing. With few long term relationships (LTRs) under our personal belts, both individually and collectively as a couple, is something that we have talked about since day one of our relationship. The fact is that the chemically induced honeymoon will end, and we will just be left with us and who we really are. Depending on how one approaches that statement, it can be a less than pleasant one.
It opened up a line of communication based not just in reality, but also on vulnerability. We were two people saying, “Hey, we might feel like this isn’t enough, but let’s talk about how it can be.” In other words, when this stops being exciting, just because, we are going to have to put that work in. Laying the trackwork for open communication is essential so that communication can grow organically with the issues at hand in the relationship. Outside of honest dialogue also lies the necessity to see your partner for the individual they truly are. One word – autonomy – can be such a sexy word. Everyone deserves it and we all need it, but that’s not always the case. So often, we find ourselves inside of our relationships with the constant expectation that our partners should agree with us or at least bend for the sake of compromise. This in turn (more than most of us have) creates what can become a suffocating, overwhelming, and unhealthy pattern of codependency, which does nothing to help you have more orgasms with your mate.
Instead, the exact opposite occurs. You no longer find him or her attractive, because this person is not just an extension of you, but rather, a true, safe punching bag of a family member. Not this exotic, mysterious, alluring creature that you can’t keep your hands off of who doesn’t need you, but instead wants you and chooses you. So, what changed? The inability to see your partner as the complete and utter individual that you first met.
Time travel is key here. Those erotic feelings coupled with hair raising excitement, and just a dash of fear to arouse the senses, are all things that your partner handled for you at one time.
In our relationship, On is Dave’s European delight. The fantasy that Dave inserts into the mix is a re-tracing of the mental pathways, placing the idea of On back into the frame of reference from Dave’s most personal sexual fantasies. When it comes to On, Dave fulfills his rough and tumble, corn-fed American dream. These sorts of feelings that propel everyone’s lust and desire aren’t so easily found when your frame of reference for your “bae” lies within the home you share. Step outside that mental box and reposition it, both literally and figuratively.
Honor the individual in front of you and start sharing. Ask questions. The beauty of a LTR is that you have the time to practice and figure out every minute, every angle of your sex. Despite this being a double edged sword, if both parties keep their expectation levels grounded and realize that a relationship is like a roller coaster, not a ski lift, then the fruits of the communication and mental labor behind the fantasy will truly turn that spark into fireworks!
