By Charles Baran
Growing up in Queens, New York I was never schooled in the finer points of etiquette and table manners. In our neighborhood, it was acceptable for mothers to scream out the front door when dinner was on the table. I’d race to the kitchen to scarf down my mom’s pot roast before the plate got yanked from under my chin. The table was set with a knife and fork and usually in that order. Paper napkins were jammed in the plastic holder in the center of the table. Spoons were only used by my grandmother as a musical instrument during backyard Bar-B-Qs. So, when OutClique asked me to write an article on etiquette and table manners I immediately accepted saying “Of course! I’m an expert.” Then I panicked and called my dear friend Rhoda Rage, the doyenne of Palm Beach society and an expert in all things proper. Following is a transcript of our delightful conversation.
CHARLES: Hello Rhoda. Thank you for taking my call. I’ve been asked to write an article on table manners and etiquette and I had a few questions. I know you’re an expert!
RHODA RAGE: Hiya kiddo. You got that right! I know everything. Ask away.
C: OK. When setting a table, what are the basic utensils that must accompany each meal.
RR: Well, most people think it has to do with what you’re serving, but it has more to do with who you’ve invited. Since I only use the good stuff, solid silver from my Marie Antoinette collection, I have to make sure sticky fingers friends of mine don’t pocket the butter knives or dessert forks. The rule is, the less silverware you use, the less you have to count at the end of the night.
C: Speaking of butter, what do I do if I don’t have a butter dish?
RR: It’s easy to make one out of foil. I suggest using Reynolds Wrap Heavy Duty Aluminum Foil and taking an origami class at the Morikami Museum in Boca.
C: Must I separate spouses when I do my seating arrangements?
RR: It’s OK to sit them together, especially if you don’t have enough napkins. I do suggest however that you separate the good looking people at opposite ends of the table. This will keep your guests’ heads moving back and forth and keep the party very animated even if nobody has anything interesting to say.
C: My mother used to compliment her own cooking. Is it wrong to do so?
RR: Not at all! Let them know how fabulous your cucumber salad is before they even taste it. If they dare to challenge you, give ‘em the address of Denny’s on Federal.
C: One last question, if a guest offers to help with the dishes, what do I do?
RR: Tell them to work quietly and turn off the lights when they’re finished because you’re going to bed with one of the hot dinner guests and a Vodka on the rocks!
