By Daniel Morales

Working as a Life & Relationship coach for the past 3+ years in the heterosexual and LGBTQ+ space, more and more individuals are prioritizing independence and autonomy across the board. That fierce desire to prioritize “self” has resulted in a decrease in committed monogamous relationships that are sustainable – truth is, that hasn’t always been the case. Allow me to clarify, not all men struggle with monogamy, but a large percentage do. If you speak to members of the LGBTQ+ community that experienced the AIDS epidemic, committed monogamous relationships were preferred – some would even say, necessary. The fear of contracting HIV/AIDS resulted in a large percentage of Gay men committing to a single partner long-term. 

So, what happened?

The change from a monogamy-focused relationship model during the height of the AIDS crisis to a more varied acceptance of open and poly relationships is a result of advancements in medical treatments, cultural shifts, increased acceptance and visibility, and the influence of the sexual liberation movement. While all this information is important (at least, I think it is), we should also discuss some of the primary reasons that are potentially impacting your ability to find a committed monogamous relationship – If you’re looking for one. Here are some reasons why men struggle to commit:

1. Fear of Getting Hurt: Growing up repressing who you are creates a relationship with shame that impacts your perception of self, in turn, the ability to trust. Letting someone into a part of yourself you kept tucked away for safekeeping can be a terrifying experience.
2.  Internalized Homophobia: The inability to fully accept who you are can lead to self-worth issues, resulting in feelings of inferiority within a relationship and ultimately, failed relationships. As I tell my clients, coming out to others is courageous and a step towards freedom, but have you come out to yourself? That’s the most important step.
3. The “Grass is Greener” Mentality: Most men I work with are looking for the “next best thing.” Why? The ease of hooking up and online dating has created a mentality of disposability. With one swipe of your figure, you can find someone MORE attractive, successful, comedic, etc.
4. Fitting a Mold: Some of you have convinced yourselves that monogamy is the “right” relationship because of external pressures (i.e. family, society, etc.) Take time to evaluate what relationship model feels right to YOU. Trust me, it will save you a world of hurt in the long run. 

If you are in need of clarification on anything, feel free to reach out!