By John Hayden
As Michael Jordan once noted, just being a parent can be an act of heroism. “My heroes are and were my parents. I can’t see having anyone else as my heroes.” That is especially true for people who foster and adopt. They make a conscious, concerted, years-long effort to become a dad or mom.
For generations of openly LGBTQIA+, parenthood was an unattainable dream. With the expansion of equal rights, including marriage equality, many find it easier to make the dream a reality. “For me I think it’s important to give back when and where you can,” newly adoptive dad James Gray told OutClique. “Most folks, when you start talking about giving back, usually think of money. However, with adoption of mentoring, it’s the direct opposite. These kids are in need of emotional support and folks who are genuinely interested in them and their well-being.”
Gray spent years knowing he wanted to be involved in a child’s life, be it through adoption, fostering, or mentoring. Eventually he discovered ChildNet, an organization in Broward and Palm Beach counties helping abused and neglected kids find a stable home. This autumn, Gray adopted Peter, a pre-teen young man who had been in the foster system for about seven years. He first tried surrogacy. When that didn’t work out, Gray began exploring other options. “I started researching state level foster adoptions. At that time, I had a family member who had adopted from ChildNet and shared his experience. I reached out and got started with the process.”
Responsibility & Necessity
Gray had a difficult childhood himself, and that history is part of his drive to want to help kids. “Helping guide a kid towards a favorable outcome is icing on the cake for me.”
Part of that guidance is providing stability, something that is often missing as kids are shuffled from one home to another. “Peter has several household chores. Not just the usual chores like cleaning his bedroom and bathroom, but things like the daily care of our dog, Baxter. Making sure he has food and water every morning and giving him a bath every other week. Knowing and feeling he’s needed in our home gives him a sense of pride. Most mornings he verbally reminds himself, ‘Oh, I need to give Baxter some food and refill his water bowl, right quick.’”
Peter also has agency over his life decisions, such as remodeling his bedroom. “He is a part of the design process. We also allow him to make decisions on things like mattress firmness for his new bed to what type of underwear he prefers to wear. While that may sound odd to mention, the reality is many kids in foster homes have very little say in small decisions such as that. Most decisions are made for them and usually with a budget in mind, as opposed to the child’s preference.”
Together Forever
Both Gray and Peter are foodies, so they spend a lot of time bonding over culinary curiosities. Peter’s grades have also dramatically improved. Their relationship began with Gray mentoring Peter. Eventually they began having longer visits and began the adoption process. That led to an important moment: the first time Peter called him Dad. “I was actually amused the first time, because I was not expecting it. He was in another room and calling out ‘Dad’. I heard him but it didn’t dawn on me that he was actually talking to me. After the surprise of the moment, there was this feeling of soothing comfort. I started down this road wanting to help and ended up with this little soul wanting to call me Dad!”
Now they are looking forward to many more firsts together in 2023. “Getting Peter on a plane and out of the state. Both are things he has yet to experience.”
For more information on how to help kids in need, visit ChildNet.us.
