By John Hayden
Relationships are hard. While the age of dating apps has made it easier to meet people, relationships are as hard as ever. Add in all the eye candy and obsession with looks and physical appearance that comes with living in South Florida, and the idea of relationships can be overwhelming.
To help us get it sorted is legendary relationship expert, Dr. Drew Pinsky. He was recently in downtown Miami to check out TopDoc Clinics and their new location inside The Four Seasons on Brickell Ave. Between his practice and as host of the legendary relationship show Loveline, he’s heard it all. Dr. Drew took a few minutes to talk with OutClique and give us some insight into what makes a good relationship…and what makes a bad one.
John Hayden: We’re coming out of a pandemic and a lot of people find the dating landscape has changed, but we’re still falling into old habits that might not work anymore…if they ever did to begin with.
Dr. Drew Pinsky: The bottom line is to always assess your tendencies. If you have a pattern of not selecting the healthiest of relationships, you need to be honest about that and try to figure out why that pattern exists. One of the interesting things about humans is: our bodies are perfect instruments from the standpoint of what creates attractions. We don’t do a lot of talking about this in our culture, where attractions come from. Why are you attracted to this person and not that person? If you want a relationship, are you feeling lightning bolts? Every time you feel lightning bolts, it’s going to be the same person. I don’t care what the package is. I don’t care what they look like. They seem like someone totally different than you’re used to, but if you feel a lightning bolt, that person is going to do the same thing to you as your previous pattern. We always tell people: think butterflies, not lightning bolts. Maybe it’s people that are not quite so exciting. You can have a little bit of lightning bolt off in the distance, but not that kind of ‘Oh, I’m so attracted to that person!’ if you have a pattern of people who don’t give you what you need.
JH: What about people who aren’t in a toxic cycle but just have trouble finding someone?
Dr. Drew: If you are not deep in a pattern of bad picking but just having trouble finding people, this is a day and age when there is so much efficiency. Finding people with the advent of online dating apps, there are so many ways to meet. What I tell people is to enjoy the process. Don’t be looking for the next intimate partner. Just enjoy meeting people, hanging out, having a meal, learning about yourself in the context of other people. Just enjoy the process and don’t be so intent on the outcome. It’s not the goal so much as the journey.
JH: Finding love in South Florida can add an extra layer of challenges.
Dr. Drew: The multiculturalism here has its own set of issues with it that you have to be very, very attuned to. Down here in Miami, people are maybe even more physically focused than in Los Angeles. We’re out of control there, but Miami’s just as worse, maybe more so. That is saying something, and not in a bad way! I have no problem with that if people want to optimize their bodies. Good for you, especially if it makes you feel confident and being able to put yourself out there. By all means, do that. We work out, and sometimes we’re watching our weight not just for health, but because we want to look a certain way. In terms of the challenges, it’s the challenge of distractions in a massive market. You’re in this huge pool with all kinds of people, and you never know what they’re looking for or are interested in. What might distract them or pull them away. It’s the good news and the bad news. You’re in this tremendously dynamic environment. You’re going to meet lots of different and interesting kinds of people and you’re in this dynamic environment. You can get overwhelmed by it.
JH: Erectile Dysfunction, or ED, is a growing problem in men. Maybe it’s always been a problem, but people don’t like to talk about it. How is that holding them back?
Dr. Drew: Believe me, we have heard it all. There’s not a doctor out there that’s not fully equipped to hear your story and hasn’t heard it 100 times before. There’s no embarrassment on our end, so you shouldn’t feel any resistance to talk about what’s bothering you. Particularly men, there’s a stigma where we go into denial. We want it to just go away. We aren’t as proactive about our health as we should be. Here’s the thing about sexual health: it can be a sign of other problems. It’s good to talk to a doctor, especially if you’re a smoker or over 50. If you’re younger, there’s a lot to be done.
JH: Another thing people are hesitant to talk about is mental health. Once you decide to get therapy, finding the right therapist can be as hard as finding a boyfriend!
Dr. Drew: It’s even more complicated than that. You have to understand what kind of therapeutic modalities are out there, and what kind you need. It’s really difficult for people to understand these different types. There are all kinds of therapy out there, and you have to be really careful that the person you pick is trained to give you the kind of treatment you need. I usually have people see a psychiatrist first, to get a proper diagnostic assessment, and then a referral to the kind of therapist they need. Most people won’t do that, and to be fair, might not have insurance or want to do that, and I get it. They’re afraid they’ll be prescribed medication or something. That being said, understand that the big issue facing most people with any sort of interpersonal struggle, or mood or anxiety struggles, childhood traumas is the one we see the most. Very frequently you want someone with good training and trauma therapies. That’s not just skill and training, but also talent. So, word of mouth can be very, very helpful.
JH: Before we go, what advice do you have for us as we emerge into the “new normal?”
Dr. Drew: We’ve been through this really unpleasant couple of years, and we want to thrive. Humans need to thrive. Humans need work, love, and play. Play and love kind of go together in Miami. Good! Go thrive! We need that. Enjoy yourself, don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t feel like you have to be imprisoned any longer. Go out and live. We are a social animal, and we need to be with and amongst other people. Go do that.
Stay up-to-date and connect with Dr. Drew by following him on Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok @DrDrew, Instagram @DrDrewPinsky, or visit his official website, DrDrew.com.
