By Eric Noel Roman
Happy New Year! Bam! Out go celebratory decorations as we welcome in red heart-shaped balloons and a plethora of sweets to put the most resilient pancreas into a diabetic coma. The aisles at the local drug stores are lined with over the top expressions of love. All one can think is, “How much does love cost? Love has to be given away? Why is love expressed in gifts?”
Realistically, love is just a feeling. Nothing more. However, that feeling is probably the most sought after emotion. I can be More coveted than happiness and pleasure. “I love to be happy.” “I love to indulge.”
Love is a feeling that most people cannot describe consistently. It is something that everyone seeks. A little known fact is that love is not an external stimulator. We are equipped with all of the tools to make love happen. For years, I watched friends date men and women, seeking this holy grail of emotions, and leading down paths of interesting situations. But many of these relationships still had no love.
As I began searching for this mysterious idea, I encountered some exciting circumstances. I looked online, phone apps, bars, and nightclubs, all the places people meet for whatever reasons. I left all options available for love. All doors were left open. But all of them had brick walls behind them. Trying to figure out why love was so unattainable was depressing. I began telling myself that I was the problem. I am weird. I realized then I hated being “me.” Wait a second. Absorb that for just one moment. I started looking for a forced love and seeking approval wherever I could find it. That is where I built unhealthy and unbalanced relationships. All this because I was seeking love outside of me. I was never happy and just wanted more approval.
One day, after opening my eyes mid-afternoon from a long night of work (DJ life is always late to bed), I blurted out, “I am done with this!”
My wake up routine was always, check social media and see who has “liked” my posts. Seeking that approval, that love. I was over seeking it. I realized I was living through others because I was unhappy with me. I began the arduous task of erasing my bad habits of not being proud of my accomplishments. I got the ball rolling on new ideas that I would like to see happen. I opened up about my anger. I began doing things for others because I wanted to. One deed after another, and I began feeling better. I realized love for me and from me, was the best love I could find. I stopped living for others’ love. I changed the thought process that love is an emotion received from others. I began to remind myself that love is a feeling from within. Love is a thing that was much easier to attain than I had thought. Love is a feeling that rules worlds, not from a galaxy far, far away. Love is always within grasp. I made one change. I began to focus on simply loving me.